so much
by kawaiiokama
Summary: BETA'D BY GOTHALLEX  matt mello angst romance. timeframe spans from when they weet to the morning before they die, so its pretty inclusive. runs paralell to cannon. matts POV. T for now. DISCONTINUED


hey guise... welcome to my first fan-novel i guess you could call it. a full lengthy melloxmatt angst fic with little/no sex. HOMYGOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!

anyway, named for the song 'so much' by the spill canvas. which i dont own, and involving mello and matt. both of whom i dont own. as usual, i try to make the story fit with the cannon. this isnt crack today. unlike the other story im working on atm. chicago. phew...

shounen ai themes. you have been warned.

...

**This is a story of a hopeless child, a blindly obedient man, and of love, death, and many things in between.**

**This is a story of devotion, unquestioning, unfaltering dedication to a lost cause, and of knowing that the reason you live is pointless, meaningless and sad.**

**This is a story between a puppy and his master, a story of stubbornness, strength, foolishness and absolute untainted love.**

**It's not a happy story, but it's a true story, a good story, a pure story. A story as old as mankind itself.**

**And these are my words, my record, my story.**

"How does it feel to know you're everything I need… the butterflies in my stomach almost bring me to my knees…"

Oh. My. God.

"LINDA! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!" Mello hammered angrily on the wall of the room and I sighed, shifting my weight in the beanbag.

"Mells, calm down, it's just a bit of music…"

"It's fucking annoying! I'm trying to study. And you should be too! Instead of playing that stupid whatever it is."

"Um, this stupid whatever it is is pokemon sapphire, and no. Fuck off."

Mello scowled and settled himself at the desk by the window. Linda's music next door lowered in volume, footsteps echoed in the hall outside.

"Oh, I should have known." Linda stuck her head in the door of my room and narrowed her eyes when she saw Mello sitting at my desk like he owned the place. "Matt would never be so rude."

"Matt's a wimp who can't stand up for himself and is too nice to tell you you listen to shit. Turn it off, I'm trying to study."

"Why don't you study in your own room?"

"Why don't you drop dead?"

"Mello!" Linda shrieked and placed her hands omn her hips. "How can you- Matt, are you going to let him say that to me?"

I shrugged. Of course I was. Not because I agreed with what he had said, or because I disliked Linda, or any shit like that. Not even because I was halfway through a gym battle and my pokemon was in desperate need of a potion I didn't have. Truth is, I just let Mello do whatever the fuck he wants. No way in hell would I stand up to him. I valued my life.

"I dunno, what did he say?" I scratched my head in false ignorance, cringing as my poor skitty got completely owned by a plusle. Linda's jaw dropped, she gaped in shock, looking remarkably like a fish.

"You just don't care, do you?"

Once again, I pretended not to hear anything.

Mello threw his hair back snootily, chewing on the end of a pencil that had been lying on the desk. My pencil.

"Linda, get out. You're pissing me off."

Red faced and furious, the small girl spun on her heal and left. Mello grinned victoriously.

Another Saturday morning at Wammy's house dawned bright and early. I was never a morning person, never at all. Yet it was only eight am. Sunlight poured into my room, my bed was forsaken and had been since Mello had strut in here at six-thirty, opened the curtains and installed himself at my desk. Unquestioningly, I had risen, pulled on a shirt and some jeans, and went to the kitchen to fetch breakfast. Cold cereal for me, yogurt and fruit and a small tub of chocolate ice cream for him. This was just how it was here, and I thought to myself, dropping my game into my lap and rubbing my sore temples, that I had to start going to sleep earlier if it was to keep up. I was beginning to get regular headaches from it.

"Six months today, Matty." Mello flicked through the pages of a book and I looked up, surprised. He didn't often talk to me, this boy, unless it was to tell me what to do.

"Six months?"

"Since you got here."

I blinked. "You were counting?"

"Of course I was." With a heavy sigh he closed the book and turned to look at me. I felt my face burn, red like my hair, under his scrutiny.

Tall, thin, incredibly haughtily beautiful, the boy I knew only as Mello was the last child I had expected to raise his hand that day.

"Good morning everyone, say hello to Matt. He's new here at Wammy's house, would anyone like to be his buddy until he settles in?" Rodger had pushed me forward, I remember the feeling of dread as no one raised their hand. No one said a word. Sixteen pairs of eyes had raked me, I too scanned every face and tried to find a friend, but I was thrown off completely when my gaze fell on him in the front, making notes and nibbling the corner of a Cadburys bar. He hadn't looked at me yet, he hadn't stared like the rest. When he finished making notes he raised his head and peered at me coolly with catlike, crystal blue eyes. His fingers had panted, he tipped his head and after a quick, surprised glance at everyone else in the room had raised his hand. A thin, beautiful hand.

"Thank you, Mello."

I stumbled forward, clutching my gameboy tightly and settled in the empty desk beside him. As far as first impressions went, he had made one hell of an awesome one. Looking at him, he seemed to sparkle with authority and arrogance, he looked much older than he probably was, and much, much more dangerous than any child should be. Yet as I sat and unpacked my things, he had smiled at me.

"Nice goggles." He murmured.

And here we were, six months later, and not so much had changed. I didn't even know his age.

"Oh… okay."

Mello smiled the slanted, dangerous smile that usually struck terror into the hearts of our peers.

"Well, seeing as it's your six month anniversary, is there anything particular you wanted to do today?"

"Is there what?"

"Something you wanted to do. We could play a game, or we could do some cooking, or we could go for a walk…"

"No, no. It's okay!" I laughed nervously and he tipped his head to the side.

"You sure? Because it's the same every week you know, I come here, study, leave… it's not very exciting."

"What is your idea of exciting?" I stirred anxiously. Though I didn't know Mello well personally, I had been around him enough to know the sort of person he was. Mello was the boy who wrote the word 'cunt' on the top of his test papers. Mello was the guy who got kicks out of pushing the small boy, Near, into the bush by the swingset. Mello was the boy who would probably thoroughly enjoy watching "silence of the lambs" at full volume on Halloween, laughing aloud at all the gory bits. For Mello, the word 'exciting' had some… worrying connotations.

"We should go into town."

"What? You can't be serious." I was a little shocked. Firstly, because I never would have thought of that, and secondly because I was expecting something much worse. Like a lynching.

"I'm serious."

"We cant do that! We will get in shitloads of trouble."

"So? Fuck, Matty, I'm so BORED! You're so godamned BORING, did you know that?" He spun the chair around and lent forward, throwing the pencil in his hand casually at my head.

"Ow…" I rubbed the spot the pencil hit and frowned. He laughed.

"Okay, okay. Shall we just go for a walk then."

"A walk?"

"Yeah. Just around the yard or something." Standing, stretching, Mello combed his fingers through his long blonde hair. It fell back in his face in thick golden ribbons. I smiled despite myself, loving the way it shone in the light.

"Come on then." He held out his hand to me, palm up. I looked at it for a moment, before taking it and allowing him to pull me to my feet.

"Good. Right. Let's go!"

…xXx…

"Okay, okay." I grinned and took the 'talking rock' from him, throwing it in the air casually. "My turn… how old are you?"

"Me? I'm eleven."

"Oh, I thought you were older."

The two of us sat beneath the tree in the yard, passing a small pebble back and forth and talking. Just talking.

"Nope. Eleven. My turn." He took the rock and ran the pad of his thumb over it thoughtfully.

"Hm… what rank are you?" Mello smiled and I rolled my eyes. He was first, I knew it must be true. Though the ranks of every individual at the house was supposed to be classified, there was no doubt this boy was the top. He was genius. A chaotic, unpredictable genius. I only had to know him a day and I knew that already. I had been with him six months now, and the other thing I new about Mello is that he loved hearing how superior he was to everyone and everything else. He most likely had asked this purely because he wanted to feel better than me. Careless about my rank, or the very concept of who is better than whom, I had no hesitations giving him that satisfaction.

"Rank? Oh, I'm only third." I reached eagerly for the rock, but he held it out of my reach, surprise flattering his features into a wide eyed expression.

"Third? You? Already?"

"Yeah. Apparently." I waved my hand for the rock but still he kept it out of reach.

"How do you know you are third? Are you sure you don't mean thirtieth?"

"No, third. I ranked third in the exams." I let my hand fall and turned my attention to his face. Horror had replaced the look of shock, his face had taken on an unpleasant grey tint. My stomach dropped. "Oh my god… Mello, am I higher than you?"

He blinked and shoved the rock roughly at me, cheeks a little pink.

"No! Of course not, stupid. As if you could ever rank higher than me!" With a sharp laugh that would have driven knives into the self esteem of a less apathetic person than I, Mello sat back and crossed his long black denim clothed legs. "Haha… fancy only ranking third. How shameful."

"I don't really care." I rolled the talking rock over in my hand, feeling the smoothness of it beneath the pads of my fingers. But curiosity was nibbling at my toes now, I was… not interested. Just… I wanted to know, to a certain degree. "But, um, my question is… what rank are you?"

Silence. I let the rock fall and turned to him, his face had darkened significantly and I frowned, a little scared.

"Mello?"

"I'm second." He spoke the words flatly, through gritted teeth, and flared at me as though he was daring me to respond to that. I was… fairly shocked by the revelation.

"Second?" I repeated in disbelief. Who in the world could possibly be smarter than Mello? The guy who wrote twelve page history essays for fun, who could solve uni. level math equations in his sleep.

"Yes, I'm second." He snatched the rock and folded his arms across his chest. "Now shut up and be good. I'm asking the question now."

"Oh, okay. Sorry."

"Hm." He glanced at me sideways and tipped his chin up, thinking. "Alright. My question is this. How did you get here?"

...xXx...

"_Here, Mail, take this and press that button."_

"_What does that button do?"_

"_It shoots green turtles, they destroy eni- shit Mail, stear, STEAR!" My older brother Stina snatched the Nintendo controller off me and drove the cart back onto the track, but it was too late. We had already been passed by a lizard called yoshi and some kind of turtle man with spikes on his back. Stina swore loudly and switched off the ancient console._

"_Stina, don't break that!" My mother called from the kitchen as he ripped the cartridge out of the device and tossed it carelessly on the sofa._

"_I won't." He jammed a new game in and switched it back on. With an approving nod, my mother went back to cooking, dropping strips of bacon into the fat sizzling in a pan on the stove._

"_Okay Mail, try this one. It's easy, no hand-eye co-ordination necessary. You should, in theory, be alright to play it."_

"_In theory." I took the controller and watched the small television screen as it loaded. "Mario party?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow. Stina nodded, dark auburn hair hanging in his eyes._

"_It's easy. You can do it, bro." I rolled my eyes. Stina and his silly games. _

_The phone rang, I heard my mother out down her tongs and run to answer, bacon still frying in the pan, but I ignored it. The start button, the A button, load new game…_

_Hey, so far, I wasn't to bad at this._

"_Right, choose your character." Stina lent forward and picked the plain black beanie off the coffee table, jamming it on his head as per usual. He wore it so low over his forehead I wondered how he could even see half the time._

"_Can I be this one?"_

"_No, you can't be that one! That's peach! That's a girl."_

"_So? She has a crown."_

"_So if there was a pig with a crown you would pick that character?"_

"_Of course. Come on, it's wearing a crown."_

"_Gosh Mail, you're such a little idol worshiper. How about if I put on a crown. Would you kiss my ass?"_

"_Oh hell no. Your ass stinks."_

_Despite this, I went with peach. _

_The volume of the bacon sizzling grew louder, mum's voice talking on the phone was drowned out by the crackle and pop of hot fat, but we were too absorbed in the game to notice. It wasn't until Stina's hand flew out of no-where and grabbed my wrist I spun around. Somewhere else in the house, my mother started screaming._

_I dropped the controller. It fell to the ground with a dull thunk._

...xXx...

"Cooking fire." I gazed at the canopy of oak leaves above me, not letting any emotion leak into my voice. "Killed my mum and brother. It was… two years ago I think. In July."

"Older brother, or younger?"

"Older. His name was Stina. He liked video games and ugly hats."

"I see."

Mello passed me back the rock and sighed.

"My mum died in a car crash." He said simply, before standing and heading back up to the house.

...

well, theres chapter one, da?

i havent read it since it was beta'd, so if you see any of my beta's notes in there please lemme know, okay?

arigato.

laters...


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